Diary of an atheist in Karachi, Pakistan

I want to sleep

2011-06-10T09:42:00.001+05:00

The video was posted to YouTube. A young man murdered in Karachi in broad daylight by people who are assigned to protect life and liberty. People watched it. They posted horrified comments on Twitter and blogged about it like I am doing now. Soon enough Sarfaraz Shah will be forgotten like the many before him.

As I sat with my head in my hands, I wondered: How could they do it? I just don't get it. How could they?

I cannot help being reminded of my brother as I write this. 26 years old! What would it feel like to loose family in this way? How do you rationalize your way out of this? How could they watch him bleed to death in front of them? Did they feel anything? How could they not feel anything?

Against all the evidence, I have always believed in humanity. But the murderers were human themselves, perhaps more so than weaklings like me.

I am tired, so very tired; just want to sleep and not have to feel anymore.

Salman Taseer

2011-01-05T17:59:00.001+05:00

I grew up in the times of Zia ul Haque. Born in 1975, living through the 80s, the one thing I remember about the dictator is his ubiquitous presence on media. It is therefore understandable that his rule or rather the PTV left permanent damage on my less than average intellect. I was / still am one of the sheep. To me, Salman Taseer was a giant of a man.

Admittedly, I only knew the man by his tweets and interviews that he did during the past few months. However, I have never been as impressed by any politician in Pakistan including Benazir. He 'lived' the life and was not afraid to stand up for what he believed in.

It got him killed. Perhaps a country of cowards like me don't deserve anyone like Salman Taseer.

Response to an article on domestic violence

2010-12-01T00:02:00.001+05:00

Here's the original article:

http://tribune.com.pk/story/83607/can-wife-beating-ever-be-justified/

Many thanks to the author for the very helpful notes in parentheses without which I might have gotten the completely wrong idea! And as many if not more for Dr Zakir Naik's remarkable insight.
So here's how you deal with a sinning wife (with some helpful commentary in parentheses of my own)

1. Admonish her (now listen here you stupid git)

2. Refuse to have sex with her (On an unrelated note: Isn't there a hadith somewhere that says that a man can force his wife to have sex with him because it is his right. No wait that can't be right. Must have something to do with those words with 4 meanings that keep popping up all over the place whenever the faithful need them.)

3. Beat her senseless with a handkerchief (But be careful don't bruise the pretty thing that won't do at all. BTW, a hankie is one prop even Jackie Chan would have some trouble with!)

Of course you never reason with her. What would be the point of reasoning it out with "A WOMAN"? These are pearls of wisdom indeed!
Here are some topics for your next article:

1. There is no death penalty for apostasy in Islam

2. Miraculous description of the development of the embryo in the Koran (do not forget however, that where it says a 'clot', god actually meant something else!)

3. Islam is the religion of peace
PS. Did anyone bother to answer Arachnid? I am gonna go watch spider-man now

Education

2010-11-08T10:05:00.001+05:00

I heard laughter. The door was flung open. She danced in, yelled 'bye'
to someone outside my field of vision, closed the door and ran to me
laughing all the while. As I took her in my arms she continued to
laugh. Happiness is infectious and before long I was laughing with
her.

I have met the usual string of teachers during my education and
barring a few, they have all been uninspiring individuals who didn't
deserve the title and didn't teach me anything that was not learned
better on my own. In the end I realized that no one else holds the
key; the pupil has to find true inspiration within himself.

But perhaps I was looking to the wrong teachers for my questions. My
daughter is two years old and is teaching me the most valuable lesson
of all: How to be happy. This is one course I can't fail!

What is wrong with being a girl in Pakistan?

2010-10-15T09:49:00.003+05:00

I have a daughter. As she grows up I want her to have the same opportunities as any other child. I want her to be able to ride a bike, go for a swim on the beach, and run like mad no matter how old she gets. In Karachi, can a girl getting late for the varsity run after the bus like a boy can? Can she shout or whistle to hail a cab? At all times, a young girl has to be careful about what she does lest she attract (unwanted) attention.

Ever seen a guy riding a bike in his t-shirt and shorts on a hot day with a girl sitting behind draped from head to foot? Nobody thinks that is wrong but if ever a girl rides down a Karachi street on a bike on her own, every single guy will turn around to goggle at her and the mullahs and old women will shake their heads and murmur sanctimoniously about the decaying moral fiber of the youth.

Of course, there isn't much chance of anything changing. What I want is not that my daughter be able to ride a bike on her own anywhere. I want nobody to think there is anything amiss when she does. That of course is asking for the impossible!

Let's take this a bit further. For a young girl in a low income family who has to support her family, the choices are fairly limited. She had athletic ability at a time but could no longer play games in the street once the men started noticing that she was developing into a young woman so professional sports are out. She loved to sing but had to stop when an elderly uncle reminded her that it was not becoming to a woman. She can't take a job which involves working too late in the night. She can't be a cab driver, a fruit vendor or open a small general store of her own down the street where she lives because girls aren't supposed to do these things and it would ruin her 'chances' for the future.

Still, girls do manage to survive in this place. How? By subjugating themselves to the men around them. In most cases, even an intelligent woman still needs a husband or a brother or some other man in her life to survive. It doesn't matter who he is, as long as society is satisfied that she is accounted for and 'belongs' to a man. Otherwise she is a moral time bomb for the men around her. She is the root of evil even when she is the victim, particularly when she is the victim. Don't believe me? Look up the comments on the Khipro incident on the web. There is no shortage of people denouncing the girl. Why? Because she allowed something like this to happen to her. She allowed herself to be raped. What was worse, the video got posted on the net and now she is probably considered fair game by everyone since she is damaged goods.

There is no justice, not for a woman.

Holy traffic jams

2010-09-08T00:11:00.001+05:00

Whats with the iftaar distribution on main Sharae Faisal? As usual the faithful like to cause maximum disturbance so they block all lanes to distribute food.

One minute everyone is rushing like their life depends on it, the next they are blocking traffic munching on dates.

It's pretty funny watching people drive recklessly to get to iftaar on time. Does God go: "Well he is late but at least trying hard to get there even if he almost kills everyone else on the road. Lots of sawab for him. Now let's block traffic to stop that bloody atheist blogger"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

Android Market Enabler

2010-09-04T09:56:00.002+05:00

Make sure you save the current operator setting. The phone wont connect edge on your network while faking another network.

This happens if you do not have an APN set already before using enabler.

Manual workaround is to set mmc and mnc to 410 and 06 from the Telenor operator code in Pakistan! The apn itself is internet and don't forget to type default in connection type.

Secular humanist, feminist and porn star!

2010-08-29T09:34:00.000+05:00

The Humanist - a magazine of critical inquiry and social concern

Impressive.

Land of the brutes

2010-06-10T14:53:00.000+05:00

In the aftermath of the Lahore massacre, a political leader is being castigated by the mullahs for saying that the victims deserve our sympathy. In the land of the alleged pure, you need to check the religion of the victims first before you can offer sympathy or condemn the crime.

I refuse to judge Islam by the watered down strain of fundamentalism practiced by its apologists. I judge it by the actions of its most ardent followers who have the most literal interpretation of its edicts. However, these brutes themselves with a holy book for a brain deserve pity more than anger. They are blinded by what they hold to be the ‘absolute truth’ of their religion.

The anger that I feel is mostly directed at the so called ‘moderate’ muslims. They are the ones that should be judged the harshest of all for allowing these barbarians to continue spewing hate with impunity. It is because these moderate muslims wouldn’t say anything that these people get away with murder! It is because in their hearts, these so called moderates also think of victims in terms of the muslim martyrs and the non-muslim dead.

Whoever came up with the ‘land of the pure’ title was most likely mentally unhinged. This is the land of the brutes!

State sponsored massacre of Ahmadis - May 28, 2010

2010-06-07T14:49:00.000+05:00

The Islamic Republic of Pakistan is a danger to its own people and the rest of the world. Perhaps it is time we were exterminated!

War on Baloch women

2010-05-27T08:44:00.000+05:00

The article by Rafia Zakaria in Dawn May 26 2010 makes for painful reading. While our media pundits talk non-issues to death, these barbaric crimes against women go unnoticed. Can’t anything be done?

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/the-newspaper/columnists/rafia-zakaria-the-war-on-baloch-women-650

Pakistan bans Facebook and other idiocies

2010-05-24T23:33:00.000+05:00

I have less than a dozen friends on Facebook and until a few days ago I would have been found ridiculing the crowd that flocks to this website.

Since the ban was announced, I started looking up various ways of logging on. Proxy servers seemed too unsafe to be sharing password information on so I started looking at personal VPN providers. In the end I coughed up quite a bit of money to log on to the site.

Why? As a self proclaimed heretic I consider it my duty to spend money to log on to Facebook and watch videos on YouTube thereby putting money in the coffers of the Zionist conspirators that would someday wipe us off the face of the earth.

More power to them and I hope they succeed. Ramen!

RE: Response to a dawn blog post

2010-03-18T00:05:00.001+05:00

Address of the original post: blog.dawn.com/2010/03/16/the-women-and-the-myths/

Sent from my phone.

Response to a dawn blog post

2010-03-18T00:03:00.000+05:00

Here is the original post:

generalizations are usually a bad idea unless you can back them up with logic. for instance i assert that heavily bearded guys in this part of the world are usually bad drivers :p why? bcoz most guys with beards are deeply religious and the belief that they have an invisible friend in the sky watching over them is not conducive to safe driving. besides, they "know" that are always right.

i am a guy and yet a bad driver for the simple reason that i took it up pretty late. i suspect that is the reason why some women are bad drivers. not all though.

as for shopping, women enjoy it because it comes naturally to them. i believe evolution primes females to be better at making difficult shopping choices by honing their mate selection skills. guys can be more wasteful of their reproductive energies and still manage to pass on their genes making them careless shoppers.

there is one thing that is definitely true though: guys dont know what they are talking about!

Sent from my phone

Life term for sending blasphemous SMS

2010-02-27T23:14:00.001+05:00

According to yesterday's daily dawn a man was sentenced to a life term for sending blasphemous SMSes. Doesnt anybody else find this absolutely fucked up?

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/the-newspaper/national/life-term-for-blasphemy-accused-620

Karachi blast and its aftermath

2009-12-29T10:47:00.001+05:00

It doesn’t make sense. Our “leaders” are telling us that the bomb blast yesterday was a conspiracy to destabilize Pakistan because Karachi is the economic hub of the country. What is their response? Calls for a complete strike and the declaration of a public holiday! Can anything be more absurd? How come there are so few who can recognize the irony here?

People died yesterday. I know it is heartless to compare body counts but Peshawar has had it much worse and we didn’t hear of arson there. They burned down the Bolton Market; around 500 shops by one estimate as well as the Paper Market and I think also shops at the Light House Market. People who are part of the mobs that do this are surely helping the Taliban and other extremists. Why doesn’t everybody else see that?

I do not, for an instant buy the logic that this happens due to the anger of people who have lost their loved ones. For survivors the usual first priority would be to mourn their loss and comfort the ones who are left behind rather than cause more suffering; that is my opinion anyway. Are we really such savages to go attack ambulances and police cars after a bomb blast? People who do this are no better than the militants against whose actions they are supposed to be “protesting”. Instead of cautioning people to show restraint, our “leaders” should be condemning these people in categorical terms. The suicide bombing wreaked havoc on the lives of perhaps a hundred families and the actions of these “mourners” after the blast probably wrecked the homes of a thousand people. Which is the bigger crime? Does anybody care? But then in a war who has time for a body count.

The story of Bangladesh - the lies we tell our children

2009-12-22T19:00:00.001+05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2239339?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=pingfm

Of course I have known for some time that the secession of Bangladesh had little to do with India and more to do with the policies of the Western arm of Pakistan but it took a prod from Hitchens to scour the web and come to the “shocking” conclusion that my country’s armed forces were responsible for genocide in Bangladesh. Of course I need to read a few books on the subject for confirmation but the truth of the statement seems almost self evident. After all, the Hamood-ur-Rehman commission report was made by West Pakistanis and even they couldn’t bring themselves to wash away the sins of their compatriots completely. Not that they didn’t try!

Back in school, my textbooks said that India was responsible for Bangladesh. It doesn’t reflect well on my intellect that it took me more than two decades to figure out the truth even when it was staring me in the face. It is even more shameful that I have had so little interest in what is my own story. After all, my mother (a Bihari) had fled Bangladesh before the fighting got worse and one of my uncles had spent some time incarcerated in Bangladesh.

I used to think that the reason nobody talks about Bangladesh is because of the shame of defeat. Now I suspect it is more due to a collective guilt that our elders must feel!

However, the question that I must ask myself is whether I too will share in a similar guilt in the future!

Ear for an ear, nose for a nose Ugghhh!!

2009-12-22T10:34:00.001+05:00

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/the-newspaper/front-page/12-ear-for-an-ear%2C-nose-for-a-nose--bi-09

Justice indeed.

So tell me who carries out the sentence? Maybe the “honorable” judge would like to do the chopping himself. Disgusting!!

Abney Park -- Virus

2009-12-03T13:44:00.000+05:00

Need to get me this song!

It feeds on the souls of the living.

And gets inside their minds.

Transforms their brains and their longings,

No consciousness it will find.

It feeds on their fears and emotions,

As it has for 2000 years

Its infected the Hindus, infected the Buddhists,

Kept them all in tears.

If you're nearly dead, it will keep you alive.

And if you're alive, it keeps you nearly dead.

It forces the body to seek uninfected,

And gets inside their heads.

Once your brain is infected,

It changes what makes you pleased.

It forces your body to seek uninfected,

And add them to the diseased.

And in this way it crept slowly

All across the land

But the wise and the strong can still join forces

Defending our last stand

If you're nearly dead, it will keep you alive.

And if you're alive, it keeps you nearly dead.

It forces the body to seek the uninfected,

And gets inside their heads.

Who Needs God When We've Got Mammon?

2009-11-26T11:23:00.000+05:00

http://miller-mccune.com/culture_society/who-needs-god-when-we-ve-got-mammon-1626

Magic formula for Pakistan

2009-11-26T10:07:00.000+05:00

The country in which I live faces a lot of problems. Some of these are:

1. Poverty

2. Illiteracy / intolerance

3. Low life expectancy and health issues

4. Abysmal state of women’s rights

5. Child abuse

6. Crime

7. Terrorism

Now if you look closely at each one of these problems, you will note that most of them are caused by us men! Men holding positions of undeserved power and wealth.

Women, who make up more than half the population of this country constitute the biggest group that is largely untainted by the ineptitude that is a hallmark of the male psych largely because they are a dispossessed lot. So what is my magic formula? Female empowerment.

How do we go about doing that?

1. New legislation:

a. Changes in criminal and civil law to make them friendlier towards women.

b. Affirmative action targets in the workplace. These should include the law enforcement agencies as well.

c. Abolish the women only seats in parliament and instead ask political parties to ensure that more than half the seats in parliament are filled by women

2. Agricultural reforms and the reduction in land holdings with investment in state of the art farming equipment.

3. Micro financing on the Bangladesh model of co-operative societies or groups for small loans to women:

a. To establish small businesses in the urban centers

b. To buy agricultural land and subsidized modern farming equipment in the rural areas.

Note that what I am proposing here is not another administrative micro-step like the Micro Finance Bank but legislative changes that strive to reorganize the social setup and recognize women as change agents for the future.

If successful this would stop the scourge of religious fundamentalism much more effectively than the combined firepower of the Pakistan and American armies. Think about it.

I hate prime time television

2009-11-26T09:28:00.001+05:00

My dad is a news buff. That means that we are served with a cocktail of assorted ‘journalists’ airing their latest views on the political situation every evening. Extremely boring stuff all of it.

What I don’t understand is: Why doesn’t this hackneyed political drama bore anyone else?

Response to Herman Roborgh

2009-11-25T16:10:00.001+05:00

The article by Mr. Roborgh can be found at http://www.eurekastreet.com.au/article.aspx?aeid=16921

Here’s my response:

This is what this article seems to imply:

1. The truly transcendent i.e. God is impervious to reason

2. The modern Muslim has got it all wrong. The “real” religion is actually about acquiring knowledge based on ‘faith’. Sufism and mysticism are mentioned in this connection as well.

3. Traditional religion was able to incorporate elements from other religions and cultural traditions because there was lesser emphasis on logic and reason and more on the intellectual religious tradition (whatever that means).

What are you selling Sir? Do you really expect me to believe that you see Islam as a religion which was at any stage tolerant of other creeds to the point of assimilating them?

I will judge Islam by its adherents that I meet every day and not by utopian ideals of what the religion really means. Did you really spend 8 years in Pakistan and not realize the effect of religion on the people. They ‘know’ they are in the right and it is their faith enables them to know it. That is the knowledge that faith bestows to its adherent and you are asking us to surrender reason which is the only weapon that has a chance against this evil.

A few years ago, I would not have minded people like you; but it is moderate Muslims and people like you who give legitimacy to the religious zealots that are bent on destroying this world so that they can build palaces for themselves in the next one.

Morality

2009-11-25T11:39:00.000+05:00

Here’s a chicken and egg problem for the theist. Which came first: god or good?

Is a human act good because god says so? If god said that murder is a good act will it make it good for the theist?

If the answer is no then how is god all powerful?

Breaking the spell

2009-11-23T16:40:00.000+05:00

Reading excerpts of the book by Daniel Dennett. Need to get a hardcopy!

Chatter

2009-11-23T16:33:00.001+05:00

It’s dark.

Wonder if I should get up. Will wait till the alarm goes off. No wait I didn’t set the alarm again yesterday! What time is it? Half past 5. Still 15 minutes to the usual time.

Just lie here and look at my daughter sleeping between my wife and me. I envy her. Also feel sorry for her of course…

Check the time again. It’s 10 minutes to 6. I think I will wait a little while longer. There is nothing much to do at the office anyway. Don’t want to be too late though. Will not get a parking spot…

It’s light outside. Must be getting late. Hmm 20 minutes past six. Lets skip office altogether. Not a good idea. Ok up you get. They are both still asleep. Grab the glasses, off I go. Drink a glass of water then off to the loo …

In the car. It’s low on petrol. No time to get any in the morning. Think it will last the journey to the office! Ok out I go, down the slope to the main road. Should I turn the radio on. Why not? What will it be? 89? No 91 perhaps. Oh it’s that idiot lady with the husky voice. Ok tune her out and look out at the road, they are going to play a song soon enough. Ah here we are, she announces a song that needs no introduction according to her. It sounds good but I don’t know what it is.

Crossing a school. It’s already past 8 so no children visible today.

Going on to the main road, looking to the right, AND LEFT… just in time. The sun is at that odd angle again. Feels a bit warm. Turn the AC on. Not for too long, don’t want to guzzle too much fuel. Motor rickshaw going to slow, swerve to the right and back in the middle lane again. Hate this U-turn! Maybe we should have a bridge here as well. In another 10 years, we probably will.

At the signal. The burka clad woman approaches from the left, knocks at the window. Ignore her, she goes away. The little kid approaches. He always makes me nervous. No not nervous, guilty. I can remember my brother looking like that just a decade ago. Ah the green light and my conscience can breathe easy.

The guy on the left cuts me off.

On to the freeway (of sorts), meandering past jaywalkers and other assorted nuisances. A girl with a strange expression is crossing the road. Wonder what will happen if I run her over. Slow down a bit.

Sacrificial animal on a Monday morning! This guy must have been out all night. I am going to make up an excuse for not going to the mosque this time around. Forget it, why should I make an excuse. I will simply not get up this time. It is four days of holiday, do I really want to make them worse than usual?

Coming to the signal. It’s red. The bikes in front inch forward. It’s still red. I stay put. The guy on my left starts to move up into my lane. Ignore him. It is green. Moving on. Thinking about what is going to happen today. Not much to do. Just let things happen. No use trying to control anything.

Can drive pretty much without paying attention on this road. There is still not much traffic. More jaywalkers. Full stop. Glance at the rear view mirror. It was far enough behind. Start again.

Crashing the car is not a very good way to try and commit suicide. What is? Guns are too difficult. Sleeping pills perhaps!

I am sorry again sweetheart.

I love you … will stay a little while longer.

Changeling

2009-11-11T21:47:00.001+05:00

Anger is an amazing emotion; righteous anger even more so.

The question is: What now?

I think the episode has changed me even though the anger is now gone. I feel strangely relaxed.

I am done with the life I was leading. Something had to give and it has.

Happy birthday xeeshan!

And some Japanese food

2009-11-09T17:03:00.003+05:00

Went for dinner with a friend from Singapore who was also in Manila. It was a Japanese restaurant. Here's what we ate:

Sashimi
Raw salmon with Soya sauce. Unexpectedly it was not bad! I think I will try it back home as well.

Makizushi rolls
At least that is what I think they were. Saw the picture at Wikipedia and it looks like what I ate except that there were mangoes in it too. I think that the filling can be of different kinds.

Also had some Tampura.

Of course I could not use the chopsticks so had to use my hands most of the time. Still it was a good experience.

Philipino food, finally!!

2009-11-09T16:05:00.014+05:00

Some people from work finally realized that I was serious about trying Philipino food and very graciously offered to take me to lunch at a restaurant. Pictures of the dishes I ate follow. It was all good stuff!

Part of the reason might have been that they ordered stuff which they thought I would be able to relate to!!

Here is the soup

Chicken Sisig

Max's Fried Chicken (with ketchup!)

Daing Bangus (fried chicken served with a sauce made of vinegar and other spices)

The drink we had was called "Sagot Gulaman". I didn't take a picture. Here's the link to one: http://cafemunchkin.com/2009/05/02/sagot-gulaman-tapioca-pearls-jelly/

Ayala Center, Manila

2009-11-06T13:31:00.000+05:00

Walked from the office to the Ayala Center.

Its a collection of buildings with departmental stores, restaurant, fast food places, cinema etc. Checked out the Hard Rock Cafe but at 300 peso a drink it was a bit too rich for my blood. Also I was there too early and the live performance had not started yet otherwise I might have stayed.

Had dinner at the TGIF. The chicken fajita was nice. The WIFI service is password protected which was a turn-off but I guess it would be too slow if they set up a free hotspot.

The malls were ok. The departmental stores were remarkably low cost specially the clothes. Of course the branded shops were expensive.

Watched the worst movie of the year so far at 8pm: Jennifer's body. I was expecting something like Underworld but this was way bad. Even worse than Twilight!

I am probably only here till the weekend and the office is usually on till 7pm so this might just have been my last chance at checking out the place. Overall I'd say Makati is a great place. Much better than Karachi. A lot of people walking around and very nice overall.

In Manila

2009-11-05T09:56:00.000+05:00

Arrived here at Makati, Manila two days ago. Have been working for most of the day so haven't gone out and seen much of the sights so far. The malls close early apparently so most of the time I have just been walking around the roads.

Initial impression is very favorable. Its a very clean place compared to back home. The people are very nice.

Have been having food at an Indian restaurant called the New Bombay. Tried the grilled chicken at the hotel restaurant as well and it was pretty good. Going to try some Philipino food today.

Depressing day

2009-10-24T08:58:00.000+06:00

Yesterday, I had the most depressing day in recent months.

I think happiness has less to do with what we have and more to do with our illusions. One such illusion is choice. We believe in free will and choice at every stage in life. In reality, we build a prison for ourselves with the choices that we make. This prison without walls and the invisible shackles that hold us can take the form of family, a good job, a mortgage etc.

Once more I am held back from oblivion. Life goes on.

Death penalty for apostasy

2009-10-21T14:36:00.002+06:00

Given below are some ahaadith. I am pretty sure that the source is authentic but if not then leave a comment and I would be 'happy' to amend as required.

1) Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 83 (Volume 9, Book 83, Number 17):

http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/bukhari/083.sbt.html#009.083.017

Narrated 'Abdullah:
Allah's Apostle said, "The blood of a Muslim who confesses that none has the right to be worshipped but Allah and that I am His Apostle, cannot be shed except in three cases: In Qisas for murder, a married person who commits illegal sexual intercourse and the one who reverts from Islam (apostate) and leaves the Muslims."

2) Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 52 (Volume 4, Book 52, Number 260):

http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/bukhari/052.sbt.html#004.052.260

Narrated Ikrima:
Ali burnt some people and this news reached Ibn 'Abbas, who said, "Had I been in his place I would not have burnt them, as the Prophet said, 'Don't punish (anybody) with Allah's Punishment.' No doubt, I would have killed them, for the Prophet said, 'If somebody (a Muslim) discards his religion, kill him.' "

3) Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 84 (Volume 9, Book 84, Number 58):
http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/bukhari/084.sbt.html#009.084.058

Narrated Abu Burda:

Abu Musa said, "I came to the Prophet along with two men (from the tribe) of Ash'ariyin, one on my right and the other on my left, while Allah's Apostle was brushing his teeth (with a Siwak), and both men asked him for some employment. The Prophet said, 'O Abu Musa (O 'Abdullah bin Qais!).' I said, 'By Him Who sent you with the Truth, these two men did not tell me what was in their hearts and I did not feel (realize) that they were seeking employment.' As if I were looking now at his Siwak being drawn to a corner under his lips, and he said, 'We never (or, we do not) appoint for our affairs anyone who seeks to be employed. But O Abu Musa! (or 'Abdullah bin Qais!) Go to Yemen.'" The Prophet then sent Mu'adh bin Jabal after him and when Mu'adh reached him, he spread out a cushion for him and requested him to get down (and sit on the cushion). Behold: There was a fettered man beside Abu Muisa. Mu'adh asked, "Who is this (man)?" Abu Muisa said, "He was a Jew and became a Muslim and then reverted back to Judaism." Then Abu Muisa requested Mu'adh to sit down but Mu'adh said, "I will not sit down till he has been killed. This is the judgment of Allah and His Apostle (for such cases) and repeated it thrice. Then Abu Musa ordered that the man be killed, and he was killed. Abu Musa added, "Then we discussed the night prayers and one of us said, 'I pray and sleep, and I hope that Allah will reward me for my sleep as well as for my prayers.'"

Renewal of driving license at Clifton Karachi

2009-10-21T11:25:00.001+06:00

The form is worth Rs 2 and is available at the information counters just inside the gate. Copy of NIC is required. Attach it with the old license to the form.

Next go to room 4, which is the post office. The fee is taken in the form of tickets which are slips of paper which the guy at the counter stamps. After a lot of stamping, they ask you for the fee. For motor car license renewal it was 860. Predictably they didn't have any change so I let the guy keep 40.

Next step room 3. This is where they take the picture. Here you have to pay another 125 for the plastic card. Now wait for your name to be called. A sign in the room says the license will be given to you next day from the window of the same room i.e. number 4.

Finally they call your name and take the picture. The license is given next day between 10 am and 3.30 pm.

Guilt and cowardice

2009-09-24T08:22:00.001+06:00

I am one of the privileged in this world. Putting myself in the shoes of a homeless man on the street, I can’t help but think that I have wronged him somehow by my opulence. Is it wrong to be rich when some are so poor? I have long believed that poverty is a crime but have never faced up to the fact that I am one of the criminals.

I hide behind the excuse that even if I gave everything away I will not be able to make any difference. Of course I don’t intend to give it away, I am too fond of it all. Maybe someday it will be possible for everyone to be at least above the poverty line. Till then my guilt trip continues.

Funny search engine

2009-09-14T10:50:00.000+06:00

The engine:

http://imhalal.com/

Some comments:

http://freethinker.co.uk/2009/09/10/halal-search-engines-for-muslims-%e2%80%93-a-bad-idea-on-so-many-levels/

Finally a good reason to move to Canada!

2009-09-08T09:30:00.001+06:00

According to this report, Pakistan is at ‘extreme food security risk’ (http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/news/sci-tech/12-pakistan+at+extreme+food+security+risk--bi-07).

Maybe I should apply for the immigration now!

Maldives too broke to attend climate summit: Nasheed

2009-09-08T08:28:00.000+06:00

Who is Mohamed Nasheed? From the little news item in the Dawn he comes across as a great statesman.

Read it here: http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/the-newspaper/front-page/maldives-too-broke-to-attend-climate-summit-nasheed-899

BD officials told not to wear suits

2009-09-04T08:54:00.001+06:00

The Bangladesh cabinet, in a show of uncommon common sense, told government officials to avoid wearing suits, jackets and ties to save on air conditioning.

Here in Pakistan, conditions are similar for most of the country with long summers and short winters. Of course, it would be too much to expect the government to do something but what is stopping the private sector from taking similar steps? When shall we learn that it is what an employee does that matters and not the cut of his suit?

Note that this post is only about men since women have long been and continue to be exempted from the dress code. Interestingly this exemption probably works against them (like almost everything else in the workplace) because we tend to associate executive-dom with suits and ties!

Link: http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/the-newspaper/front-page/bd-officials-told-not-to-wear-suits-499

Beauty

2009-09-03T09:00:00.001+06:00

Should it matter if a victim of polio is an otherwise pretty girl? Somehow beautiful people in distress evoke a more compassionate response from their peers. Why is it so? Why is the villain in a movie usually the worse for looks compared to the good guy?

Would you agree that we generally have a different response to situations depending on the characters involved and specifically what they look like?

If so why?

Patriotism

2009-08-16T00:40:00.010+06:00

I do not love my country. Wait that is not right. Let me put it this way: I do not understand what it means to love a country.

What exactly is a country? Is it the people? I do not like most of them!

Is it the geography? Why should I love something for having India due east and the Arabian sea due south?

Is it the ideology? No definitely not the case for this here country.

Is it the culture? What? Where?

Then why love this country? Of course I can't deny that I have it good. I have a wife, child, steady job, and a house which will be mine once the mortgage is paid in another 25 years. So the country has had utility for me. But is that reason enough to love it? My car has utility too but I hardly love it!

Patriotism has its uses of course. Why else would soldiers go to war for instance but do we really need it in the modern world?

Is it not just another one of those antiquated ideas that were useful in the past but bring us ever close to annihilation in a nuclear world?

Think about it!

Atheism is a belief system... NOT!

2009-08-16T00:30:00.003+06:00

Lets get something straight: Atheism is not a belief system.

I need not agree with other atheists on anything except my disbelief in God. The opinions on this page are therefore only mine and are not representative of all atheists.

Hope that clarifies things!

Amazing article on whales and intelligence

2009-08-06T14:03:00.001+06:00

Is it possible that there is terrestrial intelligence other than our own?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/12/magazine/12whales-t.html?_r=1&sq=whales%20military%20sonar&st=cse&scp=8&pagewanted=print

Cybercrime act

2009-07-29T17:31:00.001+06:00

The FIA arrested someone for sending a blasphemous mail to a ‘journalist’ in Karachi. Read about it here: http://cafepyala.blogspot.com/2009/07/scum-of-pakistani-journalism.html. The original news item is here: http://www.thenews.com.pk/daily_detail.asp?id=188713.

The email was probably not as blasphemous as some of the milder stuff that can be found on this page. In fact, I don’t care what he wrote. Murad, a father of four, has a restaurant business in the UK. Sounds respectable enough. What happened to him? The FIA raided his house, confiscated his laptop and arrested him on blasphemy charges which by the way carry the death penalty. Don’t know if he has been released since but it is quite unlikely.

No comment. None necessary!

Acid reflux

2009-06-23T14:06:00.000+06:00

After examining my stomach and esophagus, the doctor prescribed Abbott’s Klaricid (1+0+1) and Amoxil (2+0+2) for 7 days starting 8-April-2009. I also took Getz’ Nexum (1+0+1) 20mg till end of May 2009. Colofac was also prescribed but I discontinued it since the Ispaghol husk seemed enough.

The problem now is that the stomach bloating is back. I must confess that I had been abusing my stomach with fried / fatty food as well as soft drinks for the past couple of weeks. It started with pain in the abdomen and then the bloating started. The reflux is also back but it’s still not as bad as last time.

For now I have restarted Nexum (twice daily) but I am not sure about the bloating. I am worried that the bacteria is back and is causing all the gas and bloating. However, will give Nexum a week before I go see my doctor again. Just took some Mylanta-2 and it has provided some quick relief.

Reading the Koran

2009-06-12T16:17:00.001+06:00

I am from Pakistan and my native tongue is Urdu.

As a child I have 'gone through' the entire Koran countless number of times in the Arabic. The text is supplemented with phonetic symbols which make it easy to pronounce even though the ‘reader’ does not know the meaning of most of the words. In fact, a lot of stress is given to the correct pronunciation.

Urdu follows the same cursive script so it is not that hard actually but the majority of us in school didn't understand much of what we were reading when 'reciting' the Koran. During the holy month of Ramadhan I was expected to 'finish' the whole Koran. I was very good at this 'reading' and on average could finish a Sipara (there are a total of 30 in the whole book) in about an hour. Just the same some people frowned on such prowess as indication of much less than the required level of respect for the task.

Mine was a comparatively non-religious household. I never saw my father praying during my early years. Still we had quite a few copies of the book at home. I usually read the one with the Urdu translation. As a child I was fascinated by the all too improbable stories. The stories were all that I really read actually. All the sermonizing that comprised the rest of the book was simply too boring.

I never went to a Madressah so I am one of the lucky ones. Still, among all the people I have known I am the only atheist. I do remember my dad mentioning a distant relative who was a 'Murtid' (apostate) but that is about it. Since the age of 19 when I finally decided that I had enough, I have never met any atheists. Most people are ardent Muslims if the basic belief in god and prophet is in question even if they are not complete followers of the teachings. In fact one of the points that a childhood friend used in his relentless battle to get me to see the light was: "You think that [b]everyone [/b]around you is a fool? That you are the only sane one among us?"

I am glad that part of my life is over and would never read the Koran again. I try as much as possible to forget whatever little I do remember.

Free will and the soul

2009-05-27T10:41:00.001+06:00

Do we have free will? If all of our mental processes are a series of chemical reactions then how can free will exist. If it does then who is exercising it? If I am a system of interacting neurons then where exactly in this mess is the “I”? It seems that we are required to create something like the soul to explain free will. Or do we?

Consider a computer that is programmed to make decisions based on a decision tree that takes one input. If the input is A, the computer makes a beeping sound through the speaker, anything else does not require a response. This is a very deterministic system. Now suppose I start adding other inputs, such as room temperature, ambient light, etc. to make it behave differently. Assuming there are 3 temperature ranges and another 3 ambient light conditions as input there can be 18 possible combinations of all these inputs and our decision tree becomes a little more complicated.

To simplify things a bit instead of a decision tree the program is now implemented by assigning scores to each of these values and the program takes a decision based on the total score of the inputs. Assume further that the input devices are a little fuzzy and usually send a value which is within a range of values distributed normally with the correct value as the mean. If we continue to increase the number of inputs, such a system would start to behave in a manner that would seem not be governed by a fixed set of rules. Add algorithms to modify rules based on another set of rules and you might have something that starts to look just a bit like free will.

Of course the biggest flaw here is that I have only managed to create a system that can produce seemingly random results using a fixed set of rules. There is no “self” in the system. Still does it not seem possible that chance operating at the microscopic level in the brain similar to the illustration above is responsible for the quirky human behavior for which we credit free will?

Immortality - Why do religions need soul?

2009-05-27T10:12:00.000+06:00

Some entity independent of our physical being is necessary for life beyond physical death.

Suppose we could clone a person A and create B which is completely identical to A. Also suppose that somehow we manage to copy A’s memories as well. Now if at the instant B is created, A is destroyed and B lives on does it mean that the being identified as A has survived death? I don’t think so.

Suppose both of them live on. I think everyone will agree that they are two distinct persons albeit identical to each other. Both can have different experiences and may develop in different directions as persons due to these experiences. I contend that they are distinct beings from the start due to this possibility and as such B is not a continuation of A.

The above seems so self evident to me that I find it hard to believe that someone would actually contend that B is a reincarnation of A. For a reincarnation you need an “essence” of A which was not A but something which makes A what she is. Hence the need for a soul. Therefore unless you come up with a concept such as the soul, immortality seems to be a pipe dream.

Suicide

2009-05-27T08:35:00.001+06:00

Suicide seems like the most reasonable option. The only thing holding me back is my family.

Maybe one of these days I will have the courage to pull it off. Till then let the depression chronicles continue.

Suggestion to a journalist

2009-04-24T10:06:00.001+06:00

Sent the following in response to an article in the Daily Dawn today:

Good article this morning.

I completely agree that the "outrage will prove momentary". So here's a suggestion for you and your colleagues in the news organizations: Start referring to Swat and adjoining Buner as "occupied territories". Mention "makbooza Swat" in any of the myriad TV talk shows and you just might change how people view the Taliban advance.

Just my two cents worth.

Do we deserve to live?

2009-04-14T11:25:00.001+05:00

A girl was flogged by armed thugs.

That is all that really happened. Any other ‘fact’ related to the incident is immaterial. It simply doesn’t matter what she did or whether she was Chand Bibi or not. It was WRONG to flog her! Carrying out a judgment without due process was bad enough but the punishment meted out was torture and nothing else.

There is something wrong with a people if a sizeable majority of them can argue in all seriousness that the timing of this event or the venue makes any difference. Yet this is precisely what people do keep pointing out as if it explains everything. I have daughter who is not a year old yet and as I saw the image on TV I thought of the future and what it would be like for her growing up in this country of armed thugs and ‘religious voyeurs’.

Which brings me to the next point. I can understand that people are afraid of armed hooligans and therefore the reluctance to step in on the side of the girl. But why did a crowd gather to watch the proceedings? Did they consider this sort of thing as entertainment? Is this the Pushtun culture of ‘honor’ and ‘bravery’ that we hear talk of so much. Or does this provide an insight into the real reason for locking up Pushtun women; they know what the average frustrated Pushtun male is capable of given the slightest opportunity?

Let us not forget the moderate religions factions. Most we got was muted condemnation and loud voices forwarding Zionist and Indian conspiracy theories. One idiot had the temerity to argue that the actual punishment is 100 lashes while the Taliban lashed her ‘only’ 37 times which means that they know nothing of sharia. What lunacy is this?

There was a time not too long ago when I thought people like Sam Harris and Christopher Hitchens were too critical of the moderates among our religious factions. Not anymore. These so-called moderates are the traitors who paint the enemy as the Mujahideen and refuse to listen to reason because it does not agree with their faith. They are the reason why our army cannot fight these militants and why our political establishment does not have the backbone to stand up to them. It’s the moderates that will finally deliver us all into the hands of the Taliban. Unfortunately it is no consolation that they would seal their own fate in the process.

Now for the title of this post: Consider the horrified West looking at the events unfolding here and remember how their desperation in the last century drove them to drop two nuclear bombs on Japan. Are we going to meet the same fate?

I think so. But that is not the worst of it. The worst is the conviction that if they do it then we would have justly deserved it.

Why not an agnostic

2009-04-07T17:09:00.000+05:00

No one can deny the existence of God with pure certainty for it is impossible to prove a negative. The agnostic position is therefore the only honest intellectual position. Or is it?

In the absence of evidence, the correct position is to hold that there is no God. There is nothing about the God idea that deserves preferential treatment. For instance, is it not possible that the schizophrenic that hears disembodied voices is telling the truth? Why aren’t we supposed to allow his belief the same courtesy as organized religion? Why do we prescribe therapy in his case yet hesitate in the face of mass delusion?

To condone the belief in fables is a morally reprehensible act. By condoning religions we condone the acts of their followers that follow from religious belief such as the indoctrination of children on the basis of sacred texts. We know for a certainty that not all of these conflicting set of instructions can be true at the same time and yet we are supposed to condone their teaching to children at their most vulnerable.

There is yet another reason to deny the existence of God and vehemently. Voltaire had said: “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him”, I say that if God existed it would be necessary to defy him! The God idea is tyrannical and tyrannical ideas need to be resisted on moral grounds. I would rather be a belligerent atheist then an agnostic apologetic any day.

Taliban's holy war

2009-04-06T10:48:00.001+05:00

Harper Lee wrote in “To Kill a Mocking Bird”:

“Simply because we’re licked a hundred years before we started is no reason for us not to try to win”.

Just replace 1400 for a hundred years …

A girl is flogged, bombs kill people and the US, Afghan and Pakistan Governments looks for moderate Taliban. What a farce!

I have been a pacifist as far back as I can remember. I have been against capital punishment, private gun ownership and even organized armed forces. Recent events however have shaken my belief in these ideals. For that is what they are: utopian ideals.

The Taliban ‘believe’ that they are right. That is their strength. The opposition on the other hand cannot even decide whose fight it is. Is this a war against America? Too many of us believe that it is and hence identify with the Taliban. Unfortunately by the time we realize our mistake it would be too late as the Afghans found out not too long ago.

I overheard a woman in my office say that even though the flogging was wrong, the girl was probably not entirely without blame. To think that the Taliban do not pose a real threat is being dangerously naive? The Taliban are all around us and unless we wake up to reality they will prevail.

Not too long ago the mention of the MQM (Mohajir / Muttahida Qaumi Movement) would make me bristle with righteous anger. Now I think of them as the ‘much’ lesser evil. And for once, Altaf Hussain seems to be in the right at least when it comes to the Taliban. When is the rest of the country going to wake up?

Favorite time of day

2009-03-16T09:56:00.000+05:00

My house is on a little hill. From the windows can be seen the lights of the airport to the west; due south the lights of the cricket National Stadium are on some nights when a match is in progress. There is nothing much on the east side except for the sloping dirt road that connects houses further up to the main road below. The place is quite even during the day but at night it is remarkably peaceful.

Last night the air was pleasantly cool. I am short sighted and as I took my glasses off, the lights became fluorescent orbs. As my eyes couldn’t focus on anything in the distance they fell back on the fine wire netting that crisscrossed across the scene. The glass pane on the window was open but the pane with the wire mesh was shut to keep the mosquitoes out.

It felt safe. If there was anything evil out there it was probably asleep as well.

Immortality and the Self

2009-03-06T23:32:00.004+05:00

Our bodies decay and we die. Is there any reason to believe that our essence, for want of a better word, survives death?

Brain damage can cause loss of various functions that are identified with our intellect. I don't think anyone in this scientific age can honestly argue that our brains have nothing to do with who we are. Although, some may still argue that our brains are merely channels for our souls and that our souls remain intact despite any damage to the brain.

If we allow that our intellect is tied up with our brains then resurrection is merely a copying of the original and not the recreation of the original. Its like moving files on your computer. Nothing gets 'moved' really. A copy of the original is made and the original is deleted.

Now if we made a copy of a human being and killed the original then there would be two people for some time until the first one was killed. Resurrection is the same thing except that the dying part happens before the creation of the copy.

So what do we mean when we use the word 'I' to refer to ourselves? Perhaps 'I' am a collection of memories and a way of thinking. But the way in which I think now is markedly different from the way I thought ten years ago. Also I have managed to forget quite a lot during my time on this earth. I can no longer solve differential equations for instance. Does that mean that the older Zeeshan identified as a set of memories and a certain outlook on life died and was replaced by me. Just because the copying process was continuous rather than proceeding in discrete steps doesn't make it any different or does it? Whenever I learn a new fact or as the passage of time swallows up a bit of my memory I change and am no longer the same. Immortality is therefore an unattainable state.

Concentric circles of religion

2009-02-17T14:44:00.001+05:00

God’s dupes by Sam Harris

“Of course, no religion is monolithic. Within every faith one can see people arranged along a spectrum of belief. Picture concentric circles of diminishing reasonableness: At the center, one finds the truest of true believers — the Muslim jihadis, for instance, who not only support suicidal terrorism but who are the first to turn themselves into bombs; or the Dominionist Christians, who openly call for homosexuals and blasphemers to be put to death.

Outside this sphere of maniacs, one finds millions more who share their views but lack their zeal. Beyond them, one encounters pious multitudes who respect the beliefs of their more deranged brethren but who disagree with them on small points of doctrine — of course the world is going to end in glory and Jesus will appear in the sky like a superhero, but we can’t be sure it will happen in our lifetime.

The problem is that wherever one stands on this continuum, one inadvertently shelters those who are more fanatical than oneself from criticism.”

Check http://www.samharris.org/site/full_text/gods-dupes1/ for the full article.

I posted this here because I was going to write about the concentric circles or Islam as my own idea and it seems Sam Harris beat me to it two years ago. More likely I heard or read the above before and forgot about it.

Anyway he makes a very valid point. I suggest you click on the link above for the full article where he discusses how the moderate elements in the outer circles also help the zealots in the center.

The point I wanted to make was slightly different. Consider the deal that the NWFP government has struck with Sufi Mohammad in Malakand. The declaration reads, “all laws related to the judicial system in Malakand division, including Kohistan, in conflict with sharia shall be considered redundant and defunct”. Whose definition of sharia are we going to use here? The jihadis in the center or the moderate apologetics.

Isn’t it likely that the jihadis would get their way as the moderates haven’t really a leg to stand up on when confronted with the more radical and fundamental version of the faith.

Be ready for a spate of bans on anything that these mullahs don’t ‘get’ such as women’s education. The worst unfortunately is yet to come.

Capital punishment is murder

2009-02-16T11:19:00.002+05:00

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Is that justice? Even if it is indeed justice is it the right thing to do?

“But how else can you deter crime?”, you ask. I suggest incarceration with some avenue for productive effort. Note that I suggest imprisonment for want of anything better and not as an end in itself. If there is any way of helping the inmates become productive citizens of society then it should be explored. There are after all costs to imprisoning people. Apart from the economic cost to society, there is the issue of emotional cost particularly for the people who come in contact with prisoners as part of their job. In Karachi if you take the M. A. Jinnah (Bunder) Road in the morning you can sometimes see the police vans carrying prisoners to the courts. The sight of the prisoners fingers on the crisscross bars of the high windows is something that can shake the most hardened of us.

If someone kills your brother, you would want to kill him of course. But I suggest that the motivation would probably be revenge rather than any sense of justice. Nothing you can do can bring your brother back so justice is impossible. However, you can still do the right thing and refuse to kill. Killing the perpetrator of the crime will only create another murderer and would further lower humanity’s well being. Taking human life is a crime no matter what the ‘justification’. Capital punishment is murder, albeit with the backing of the state and therefore the worse for it.

Besides, there is an element of cowardice to capital punishment. Notice that it is not the victim’s family nor the judge that hands down the sentence that are supposed to carry it out. The lawmakers who make our laws are similarly exempt from tightening the noose or pressing the switch to the trapdoor. It is the hapless public servant in the form of the executioner who has to do the deed. What do you think he feels? I can’t help but feel that his humanity is diminished by cowards who cannot take their own revenge.

Non-believers

2009-01-21T10:48:00.000+05:00

Some local channel was running urdu translations of Obama's inauguration speech highlights as it was being delivered. This particular sentence about America's religous mix was translated but the reference to "non-believers" was omitted. I don't think the translator had enough time to consciosuly remove that reference from the translation. A more probable explanation is that our brainwashed local translator didn't "hear" it at all or perhaps didn't understand what he / she heard. You aren't exposed to a phrase such as "non-believer" much in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Perhaps it was an honest mistake or perhaps the translation itself posed problems. How do you translate "non-believer"? "Dehria" and "Kafir" probably seemed too negative while something like "baghair mazhab" would have been rather convoluted albeit nuetral; the poor translator was probably stuck for choice. Or maybe it was an honest mistake. Nevertheless it was perhaps appropriate that this particular moment would be marred by a reminder of the incongruity of religious disbelief in Pakistan.

Coming out

2009-01-20T17:11:00.000+05:00

My daughter is now four months old. I love her.

During the first couple of months, I would wake up in the night and check if she is still breathing. Thankfully, she is older now and fears of suffocation have started to subside. But new fears are starting to take shape. Of course I knew when I got married that religion would be a problem but the reality of her in my arms has brought the point across in full measure.

I don't know if she is going to embrace religion when she grows up and of course it is her choice. I would love to tell her that religious belief is just that: a belief and nothing more. However, if I take this course then she would constantly be at war with her environment. The alternative of early religious indoctrination at school and home is not very palatable either.

Of course in order to even have a choice here, I have to 'come out' in the open myself. Should I do it? I must admit that I am afraid. Even now, I don't pray but actively proclaiming that I don't believe in a God is not going to be easy. What am I going to do?

Political Compass

2009-01-18T15:25:00.003+05:00

Someone on Orkut pointed this out to me and I took the test.

Follow the title (its a hyperlink) for the graph on site.

Its an interesting site but don't go reading too much into the graph :)

Life

2009-01-17T12:32:00.000+05:00

Would I agree given the option to have it so that I never existed?

Setting aside for the moment the obvious paradoxes that arise, the answer is 'yes'.

Vasovagal episode

2009-01-07T13:10:00.004+05:00

See this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_syncope

Check out the following link as well
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/389425/why_do_normal_bodily_functions_cause.html

I have had two separate episodes of dizzy spells; both at the same place. Even though I didn't actually faint either time.

The first was when my mother had broken her wrist. I took her to the TO clinic at Gulshan Chowrangi. The doctor propped the X-Ray film and started to explain what had happened to her wrist. I started feeling a strange constriction in my chest and everything started to get dark. I tried foolishly not to show it but soon had to sit down and ultimately lie down. My mom (injured hand and all) had to get me a drink.

Second time around was when my father sprained his ankle. It almost felt like deja vu as the doctor (a different one this time I think) propped the X-Ray scan at the same place and started to explain that nothing was broken however there was a bit of dislocation which should heal by itself with some rest. As soon as he started I got the (now) familiar feeling in my chest and began to get dizzy. I sat down on the floor and the doctor asked if I was going to faint. He told me to go sit in a chair. The nurse over there asked if I would like to lie down and I did. There was another old man in for treatment and he remarked that I had almost lost all color. The way he said it was pretty embarrassing. The nurse made some laughing remark and the doctor asked if I was ill or something. My dad told him that I had just driven him there and he joked that my dad would probably now have to take me back.

Anyway since then I have decided not to let doctors discuss X-Ray films around me.

Obama - a pessimist view

2008-11-06T10:18:00.000+05:00

The newspapers in Karachi today are about one man only and that is Mr Barack Obama. Notice that I don't use the middle name since he doesn't either. References are made in the stories to his mother marrying muslim men 'twice', to his Kenyan father, to his early life in predominantly muslim Indonesia etc. There is a story about the town in Japan which is celebrating its namesake's victory. The Kashmiris are celebrating and reminding him of his promise. People all over the world seem to have embraced his election as a change in direction for America.

I suppose it is understandable as everyone wants to feel part of the Obama phenomenon that swept the biggest superpower in the world. But, is there any basis to such broad expectations from the president-elect? I think not.

Note that the economy is Americans biggest problem and the freshly elected President would be concentrating on that and other internal issues. Foreign policy will probably continue with the same fundamentals as during the past 8 Bush years. There might be a softening of the rhetoric and some symbolic gestures - he might actually manage to shut down Guantanamo Bay prison - but anyone expecting a major change in US foreign policy is sure to be disappointed.

Even internally, the euphoria over his election will finally subside. A hundred days from now, no one will cut him any slack for being the first black president. He would have to come up with some amazing policies to quiet his critics. In fact there is a risk of worse problems along the racial fault line if he is seen to be incompetent in the coming days.

I wish he does well, for the sake of his people and for the sake of the rest of us. If he fails and I am afraid it is likely that he will then we should be braced for an even worse conservative backlash in the next American election and beyond.

Grandpa's place

2008-11-01T12:18:00.000+05:00

Just putting it down before I forget. Grandfather used to live in a village called Sabrahad (available on google maps).

The plan sucks

2008-08-08T12:03:00.000+06:00

Don't know yet but was rereading what I posted earlier and just had to post this.

The plan

2008-08-08T10:43:00.000+06:00

Of late I have been feeling increasingly apprehensive of the future. Not many years ago, I was a worker rather than a manager and life was much simpler. I knew exactly what it was that I did for the organization. Now I am not so sure! I live in continous fear of being made redundant. I wish I was being paid for skilled labor rather than managing. I have been pretty sucessful but that success is what worries me the most because I have become dependant on the paycheck that I get every month.

Another problem worth mentioning here is the problem of life itself. The usual daily existence is now becoming increasingly tedious. I need a purpose for the life that I am leading. The daughter that is on the way is going to form part of the purpose but somehow that is not enough. I want my life to mean something, at least until I die. There should be some passion that differentiates me from the common crowd.

This is where my 'plan' comes in. I want to be able to become good at something that will allow me a bit of independance from the job. The time frame I want to allow for this is around 3 years. By August 2011, I should be adept enough at something to be able to eke a living out of it. Of course, it has to be something I enjoy. Computer programming comes to mind. It would be interesting to work on Artificial Intelligence since I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of life, free will etc. I think it would be the kind of programming I like since I would be able to work with abstract concepts rather than dialog boxes!

Now the thing to do would be to let this ferment for a while (over the weekend perhaps). Will come back to this next week.

First principle

2008-07-01T14:48:00.001+06:00

Current beliefs:

1. Is there an intelligent creator of life in general and humanity in particular? No

2. What is our purpose? The propagation of the replicators! Dawkins makes a lot of sense.

3. Do 1 and 2 make for a healthy outlook on life? Don't know.

Unfortunately in the end, everything is a matter of belief. I cannot in all honesty attack the religious brigade on the grounds that their position is based on faith; in a way so is mine. I 'believe' that there is no God since there is no way to 'prove' that there isn't one.

The only belief worth holding is a belief in truth and the only quest worth a human life is the quest for truth.

February 18 2005 (2 of 2)

2008-06-15T20:06:00.000+06:00

The accident was pretty bad. Don't remember much because of the concussion but I do remember that I was angry at someone for cutting me off before it happened. One side of the road was closed off for the construction of the bridge (at Karsaz). There was two way traffic on the same road. I was going towards Sharae Faisal and I must have went a bit too far to the right as I moved to this road from the other side and got hit head on. Their were two girls in the other car. I found out later that one of them was injured on the forehead but the other one was ok. They were treated and left the hospital on the same day.

February 18 2005 (1 of 2)

2008-06-15T19:51:00.001+06:00

Found these as I was doing some cleaning up and decided to post them here. I got away with a broken thigh and jaw but the car didn't do so well!

Weekend

2008-06-14T10:43:00.000+06:00

Lots of work and I have not started on anything.

The system is down for end of day processing so nothing much to be done. Trade is something I can work on and will do till the afternoon and then go to the Head Office for a meeting on the issues.

Depression strikes back

2008-05-13T09:48:00.000+05:00

Monday morning was pretty bad. The wife had been away on the weekend and that contributed to the overall feeling I guess. Mainly, however, it was the overwhelming feeling of sadness for no reason. It was suffocating.

Read an article on stopping negative thoughts in the morning and tried it to some success. At least I could get some work done. However, the sad feeling just wouldn't go away. It felt like everything had slowed down somewhat. I am better today but not quite my usual cheerful self (yeah right!).

Moved to the new office and into my new role on the 26th of April, 2008. It has been an interesting couple of weeks so far. I suppose this latest bout of depression has something to do with the move as well. Not that I miss too many people from the old place! There were just a couple of fellows over there who could qualify as friends and one of those even had left before I moved. It is strange how few friends I have left now. Not that I am close to the ones that I have left.

Named our little girl (due late August) this weekend. Have decided to call her Simone. There doesn't seem to have been much resistance from the religious members of the family so far; lets see how it goes.

Went to the Akeeka party of my niece (my sister's daughter) last night. Talked to a couple of people but I got the feeling that most people didn't quite want my company. Of course being an 'avoidant' that is just the kind of excuse that I have to fight against! It is a pretty unpleasant feeling to be surrounded by so many people and feel utterly inadequate and alone. Unfortunately being used to it doesn't really help!

American Gangster

2008-04-13T23:18:00.001+05:00

Saw American Gangster in the evening.

Consider this: Well dressed wealthy looking guy meets a woman at a party. After a couple of hours he asks her if she'll sleep with him for a million dollars. Once she agrees he asks if she would do it for 20. Yes you've all heard this one haven't you! Ever wonder why 20 and zero make so much difference? Anyway that isn't the point (yes there is one). We all sell ourselves or what I would call our better selves. We may not end up as mafia bosses but sell we do. We do it for social standing, to provide for our families, for a good job etc. Corleone after all also does what is best for family and friends. The price we pay is contentment. That is the price I pay anyway.

But that isn't what I fear. What if this is normal? What if happiness is just an anomaly in the continuity of depression? As Jack Nicholson would say, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

Found an article at http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=10284&cn=8 which explains some of the above (if anything does).

Some excerpts follow:

"The symptoms of avoidant personality disorder include lifelong patterns of behavior such as:

1. Social phobia with enormous anxiety about being around other people.

2. Extreme shyness.

3. Feelings of inadequacy and sensitivity to rejection and criticism.

4. Choosing loneliness and isolation instead of risking connecting to other people.

5. Extreme sensitivity to criticism and shame when criticized.

6. Avoiding criticism more than anything else.

7. Choosing social isolation as a way to avoid criticism."

"The Need to Belong:

The simple fact is that all of us, as members of the human species, have a need to belong. While most of us need to spend some time alone, too much aloneness results in depression. Even those with Avoidant Personality Disorder become depressed if they are alone too much of the time. The healthy need to feel accepted and to belong outweighs the wish to avoid.

In all of the cases of avoidant personality disorder I have treated the individuals were either married or in long term relationships. In addition, most were working or had been working until they were forced to resign as a result of overwhelming anxiety and severe depression. Most of the people I have treated were also extremely bright and had attained high levels of education and professional status. They ran into trouble quickly after they started their careers as a result of the demand put on them to be social in their job or profession. As a result of this trouble, they were forced to seek psychotherapy.

Of the cases of people with Avoidant Personality Disorder, those who were married also ran into difficulty with their spouses. The reasons for the marital difficulties had to do with the fact that the spouse with the personality disorder rarely wanted to go out and socialize. The unwillingness to be in social situations even included going to movies, restaurants, and having friends and family over for social visits."

Pregnant man

2008-04-05T09:48:00.000+05:00

Thomas Beatie is legally male but was born a female. He managed to get pregnant because he had opted to keep his female sex organ during the sex change procedures.

Someone comments: "It's called 'childbirth' and it is a 'female' thing - not a 'male' thing. Period", another writes: "Seriously, how selfish Beatie is. He is not able to breastfeed, guaranteed, which is the single, most important thing you can do for your child nutrition-wise".

Well true but note the proviso: nutrition-wise. You can do better for your child by instilling a sense of compassion in your child which I am sure Thomas is in an ideal position to impart.

It is disconcerting to note the disdain voiced by people happy in the assurance that we are 'normal'. After all why is normal so desirable. Isn't the non-normal simply marvelous?

Lahore streets greet women traffic wardens

2008-04-04T10:01:00.001+05:00

The attached picture was superb (will try and post a link to the picture from the Daily Dawn later): Women sitting astride heavy bikes, something usually associated with 'macho' men, in our own Lahore. Lovely!

You have to be a Pakistani to understand why their sitting astride is so significant. Remarks by SSP Ghulam Mehmmod Dogar (Chief Traffic Officer) are heartening: "Mr. Dogar believed that the presence of women wardens on roads would change attitude and behavior of commuters". Well said Sir! We could do with more female presence on the roads. Despite claims to the contrary they are usually better drivers given an early enough start. The perception about bad women drivers comes about because usually girls start driving pretty late compared to their brothers in our patriarchal structure. My wife is a much better and safer driver as compared to me simply because she learnt to drive early.

Does this mean that our society is finally opening up to the idea of female emancipation? Well lets not get carried away here. It is a tiny small step in the right direction but a lot more needs to be done before we can claim that anything has changed. Meanwhile congratulation both to the traffic administration and the wardens for a very welcome change.

Edit: Here's the link http://www.dawn.com/2008/04/04/top8.htm

14 days of bliss

2008-03-30T13:38:00.001+05:00

Took a very long vacation from work which draws to a close today. Spent the first week in Dubai and the last week at home reading books and browsing the internet. The Selfish Gene was superb. The Space Odyssey 2001 was also good and Faranheit 451 was amazing. Life couldn't get better than this :)

I am never depressed when I am reading a book. Why?

Maybe book reading is actually a means of escape. When I am reading I forget about my job, my relationship, my friends (enemies) etc. Well it's time to wake up from the dream as work starts tomorrow! Maybe in a few hundred years society will have a more efficient market system for jobs with perfect information before a person starts on a career and better switching opportunities so that people don't end up in jobs they hate. Who wrote this? More likely in a thousand years someone else (maybe my descendant) will be complaining about something else :)

All right Zeeshan get a hold of yourself before you start on another cycle of depression. Let the workplace take care of that tomorrow!

Yesterday I was driving towards Metropole to pick up my wife from work around 5.30 pm. The sun was mostly hidden behind some fortuitous clouds and with the windows rolled up the noise from the outside was easily drowned by the radio. There was good music on one of the FM channels for a change. In short I was happier than I have felt in a long time. I didn't mind much when someone cut me off and even slowed down at times to let nonplussed drivers overtake me. But it didn't last. Perhaps if contentment lasted all the time then it would cease to feel so good.

Do I want to go back to work tomorrow? No. Do I mind too much? No I guess not too much or I wouldn't be going. Would I have a week ago? Yes probably. So what has changed this week. For one, there is the sense of accomplishment at having internalized to quite a few new ideas. Also finding out that there are (quite a few) more atheists out here in Pakistan than I first thought when someone sent me a link to the Pakistani Atheists & Agnostics community on Orkut. Of course my online time is limited when I am working so I don't expect to participate in much discussion with them but the thought that they are there has given me a lot of hope.

Perhaps all I need to do is to balance my life so that I get time for what is really the true love of my life: books. It is disconcerting to think that despite my love for books, it took me 32 years to get round to reading Arthur C. Clarke! Life is way too short for this procrastination.

Time to go and start on 'Moral Minds'. Let's hope...

Facial Pain (001)

2008-03-04T21:42:00.000+05:00

Blocked sinuses. Pain starts at around 1pm daily and lasts till late evening. Gets very severe around 3pm. Severity is higher if indoors. Doesn't feel as bad if busy at something specially outside. Pain gets better if the head is bowed. However, sometimes suddenly getting up from a supine or sitting position causes vertigo.

Dr. Iftikhar Salahuddin
================
Commented on the opacity in the CT Scan. Tried looking at the nasal passage but couldn't get very far because of the inflammation. Has asked to use Rinoclevil nasal spray to ease the inflammation so that they can explore better on the next visit. Also asked to get a CT scan done after four weeks and see him again.

Wasn't very keen on surgery at this time and said that he would rather do some exploration after 4 weeks as well as medication before deciding on surgery. When asked whether he thinks that the pain is definitely being caused by the sinus problem, he said it is not definite and is probably not caused by the blocked passage.

Dr. Fawzia Siddiqui
==============
Checked facial muscles and used a pin to ascertain any loss of sensation on either side; found none. When told of the symptoms, told us that it was facial alloydynia (which upon querying the internet doesn't seem quite correct). Prescribed Lyrica for the pain but that too doesn't seem to be corrorborated from the evidence on the net (which mostly talks about pain after diabetes and shingles). Need to do some more research on this one.

Refer:
http://www.loftusmd.com/Articles/Pain/facialpain.html (this is talking about a shooting pain like electric pulses, probably not what he has)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_nerve (facial nerve - think this is the same nerve set called VII to denote the seventh of the 12 paired cranial nerves)

What of the living?

2007-12-29T15:25:00.000+05:00

She is dead. Predictably, the media circus is on full blast. What nobody seems to care about is us: the citizens of this country.

I was stuck on the road for more than 4 hours yesterday at the mercy of "mourners" who wanted to burn everything in sight. Nobody cares about my security! The television networks talk about how insecure Benazir felt because her request for jammers was denied. A few hours after she died, I couldn't get home because all the major intersections leading there were in the control of armed thugs who were looting and burning with impunity. How do they get organized so quickly? I had left before the news hit the air waves but still couldn't make it home before the looting started. Where do all these rangers and policemen go to hide when something like this happens? I wish I knew yesterday evening when we were looking for a place to hide.

Why Pakistan?

2007-11-04T17:54:00.001+05:00

Emergency imposed; the general is at it again!

I should be past caring now but still can't help feeling despair. Its strange, since I don't even believe in the idelogy that this country is built on. Why do I still care then? Well I guess because I am a citizen (of sorts) after all. Born in Karachi to muslim parents and therefore a muslim by birth, I gave up on religion when the hypocrisy became too much to handle and therefore became what I believe is the smallest minority in Pakistan.

No matter what happens, we will remain a society of hypocrites. Pakistan after all doesn't stand for lofty ideals, it stands for muslim brotherhood. We are worse than the West we decry so much. They at least pay lip service to the ideals of freedom, integrity, compassion and love. We in the land of the pure live for false Gods and die for big eyed hoors. So why do I still care about Pakistan? Can a country be more than its people, more than the idea that became its reason for being, more than the religion that is its lifeline? I know the answer too well but I guess even an atheist like me who can't pray for a miracle may well be forgiven wishing well for the country that gave him everything.

All may yet be well.

Despair

2007-10-19T13:20:00.000+05:00

More than a 100 people died yesterday for no reason and the PPP leadership wastes no time before the blame game starts. Please for once mourn the dead before you start squabbling again. For once, someone say they are sorry for what happened and share in some of the blame. For we are all to blame. After all this is the world we have built for ourselves: Where the dead are just statistics, where a leader does not take responsibility for looking after her followers even in time of peace let alone war, and where a 100 people loose their lives for no other reason than to become the fodder for media frenzy and political rhetoric.

And worse is yet to come.

Memory

2007-09-11T09:01:00.000+05:00

Some minds are only calculating machines with little long term memory. Mine is one of them.
No need for despair though, quality work can still be done even with (relatively) short term memory.

Stay in your lane please

2007-09-05T23:22:00.000+05:00

If you go on to the incoming lane then you will cause a traffic jam. Yes this might seem common sense but unfortunately people are usually in too much of a hurry for common sense.
Everyday on chundrigar road you see this happening. People dressed in suits and ties (possibly cutting circulation to the brain) sitting in a big car on the wrong lane hoping for a miracle. Maybe education is overrated. Its certainly lost on this crowd!

If you watch one movie this year

2007-08-15T09:02:00.000+05:00

Make it "The Inconvenient Truth". The cover says it’s the scariest movie you will ever see and I think they have a point.

Stupid

2007-08-08T09:47:00.000+05:00

According to Scott Adams, we all have our stupid moments (unfortunately I don't remember the exact quote will dig it up and add later). I was being stupid yesterday afternoon. I will not delete the blog entry however. Just तो remind myself that I am stupid too :)

Nothing is perfect

2007-08-07T13:13:00.000+05:00

The sooner you realize it the better.

Today I lied to her. Well not exactly lied but I told her it was ok whatever she said and that I will try and change. This is the first time that I wasn't completely honest about how I felt.

Perhaps a little background is in order. I do not like new situtations and worry incessantly whevener I have to go some place for the first time. To avoid the stress, I try to avoid going places altogether. I am happiest with a good book and nothing to do. In short this is the laziest person alive. Also I hate small talk and socializing in general. Most of the time I feel I have nothing to say. All of this was ok earlier but now I am married. She is outgoing and hates my sitting around doing nothing. Yesterday I was in a bad mood and cancelled a visit to some of my relatives (I think I haven't paid them a visit since last year). Understandably she is upset as even a visit to my relatives is better than sitting holed up in the house. So today after an uneasy night and a small fight in the morning, I decided to give in and messaged her from work that she is right and I will try and change.

What do I really think? I think that it is all very unfair. I don't ask her to change anything and all I want is the same in return. Apparently that is not how a marriage works. Did we make a mistake? Maybe we did. It’s a little too early to say and a little too late to do anything about it now. I just wish that she had thought these things through before we were married. Be it my religion or my inadequate social skills.

Marriage has made me realize how boring a person I am. All in all, my self esteem has never been this low (ok that might be an overstatement). She is right of course. She deserved better but is stuck with me. How does that make me feel? Not very good obviously.

Maybe I had better shut up now.

Thinking thinking

2007-07-30T10:55:00.001+05:00

Do you ever feel that you think too much? I have been accused of it
often enough (once over the past weekend :) and I think I do have a
problem with simple decisions because of this overthinking thing.

For example I was coming to the office today and this happened:

1. I noticed the signal turn green on the intersection up ahead (maybe a
kilometer away) but after a while the traffic started from the right
(ignoring the red light)

2. I stopped at the intersection (of course) and as the traffic ebbed
wanted to go in but the traffic light then went red for me.

3. Now I think that if these guys were violating the light then I can
too. (choice 1)

4. At this point I noticed a couple of our local Undaas (traffic cops)
on the opposite side. I change my mind and stop (choice 2)

5. But then I realize that they noticed that the traffic was thin on my
side of the road and the signaled the other side to cross over on a red
light. This makes me a little angry and I think about crossing over
anyway and whether they would have the nerve to stop me. (choice 1
again)

6. But then I think that maybe they did the right thing as far as
efficiency is concerned as they avoided the traffic buildup that would
otherwise be created because of the faulty signal (faulty because it
stays green my side with very low traffic volume for perhaps too long)
back to choice 2 again.

7. By this time traffic from another side has started and I don't have
the choice anymore. Now finally I argue correctly: The traffic police
was wrong to have let the other side go on a red light. However, that
does not give me the right to cross on a red light.

Of course the problem arose because the idea of crossing on a red light
presented itself as a choice in the first place. If I were conditioned
right then no matter what was going on I wouldn't have experienced the
above chain of thought at all.

If you allow the initial improper impulse to cross on a red light then
the above simply illustrates the (way too) complicated reasoning process
for a (very) simple choice. One apparent conclusion (which I have
advanced unsuccessfully to some people before) is that we have
complicated our life way too much by not making certain decisions
automatically (like not crossing on a red light and thinking that a
choice is involved). The other conclusion is that my thinking process is
way too slow partly because of the overthink involved. There should be a
better way of weighing alternatives than the way I thought that through
up there. Does that make any sense?

Perhaps not! But I just thought I'd put it down here. Will revisit this
in a while.

Over the top

2007-07-28T11:29:00.000+05:00

I mean images from "Brave heat"

Total of 275 people.

My best friend

2007-07-27T15:15:00.000+05:00

This particular friend prays for me to come to my senses. I don't mind. He is just trying (in his own way) to help me out. But when the self righteous ^@$!@#% comes back from Umrah (religious pilgrimage) and tells my wife, "I prayed specially for him and another friend who is also very good except for this one thing that he doesn't pray either…. ". I mean WTF!!!

I thought this was all behind me. But of course religion is never far behind in Pakistan! "Islam is a way of life", we have been told. Here in Pakistan they take this literally, be they mullahs or the so called enlightened moderates. There is no escape!

A few years ago on the road, a biker standing next to me at a red light asked me to turn off my car stereo because he could hear the Azaan from a nearby mosque. "Azaan ho rahee hai gana band kar dein" meaning that it’s the prayer call and you are not supposed to listen to music. I am ashamed to say that I meekly obliged. Understand that the music wasn't loud or anything. It was just that I was doing something "wrong" according to "his" religious beliefs. He was standing in the fast lane on a two wheeler with both rear view mirrors missing but he "knew" the difference between right and wrong.

It is not fair, I am all alone. I don't know of one person, not one, who doesn't believe in God. Its remarkable. My wife asked me yesterday, "All these people around you, are they mad and you are the only one who has got it right?". How do you answer that? Why should I have to answer that?

The quote from my friend at the start of this entry is interesting in another respect. He believes that I am otherwise good. I try not to cheat, lie etc. and try to do the ethical thing but somehow that isn't enough. I have to believe in a creator to be really good. What nonsense is this?

I don't mind the loneliness. Its ok that I am alone but the problem is that the "good people" don't leave you alone. It is their religious duty to preach to you. I believe that many religious people are actually immoral because they do not know how to make moral decisions. They have never had to make any. Its all been written down for them. They openly say that what happened on September 11 was rightful retribution. I also believe that muslim militancy has been fueled by the West to some extent but I cannot go as far as to say that the death of innocent people was "rightful retribution". Its cruel, its insane. They were people too!

Here we go again

2007-07-27T09:48:00.000+05:00

I showed her this page last night. A mistake perhaps. She didn't like the title.
Of course she knew before we got married but seeing it stated here seemed to make it more real somehow.

She tells me her family has been on my case:
"Why doesn't he pray?",
"Does he love you?",
"Then he should pray also!"

Not quite the logical argument but very effective when my wife's maternal aunt uses it on her.
"Can't you do this just for me?"
"No I can't!"

Sorry honey, but this is not something I can change. You cannot will yourself to start believing in God!

"But that means that we will never go for the holy pilgrimage Hajj or Umra. That is not good!"
"I thought you knew all that"
"Yes but I never liked it"
"What are you going to tell your children?" (when we have them that is)

Maybe she thought I would change or that I wasn't serious. We were both a little depressed after this little conversation.

I didn't know what to say to her. Its hard to comfort someone when they "know" that you are the cause of the problem in the first place.

Where do we go from here?

Harry Potter

2007-07-24T13:42:00.001+05:00

I read the final book. It was entertaining reading of course but once again I came away feeling that something was off somehow.

The wand ownership thing was one of them of course. Remember that the expelliarmus curse was being used often enough in the series for someone to have stumbled on to this particular bit of wandlore rather than it all coming as a surprise especially for a wizard as powerful as Voldemort. It seemed a bit contrived in the end. Also Voldemort does not use Avada Kedavara on Snape giving Potter the opportunity to get his memories. I mean come on, I would have thought that in order to make sure of the Elder wand's ownership he would have killed Snape himself instead of using the snake. And how come he doesn't realize after killing Snape that the wand is still behaving in the same manner?

Of course if I had had my way the book would have ended in the forest with Harry killing the snake first and then Voldemort dying himself as he destroyed Harry, the last horcrux. The "nineteen years later" part was superflous.

There are some very disturbing ideas in the book as well. Like being mediocre is better than being the best as long as you have the right friends! Then there was the idea of the afterlife, once again shamelessly doled out for young minds. I suppose that is something that only an atheist would find repellant; most people would probably lap it up without giving it a second thought!

3.00 am

2007-07-24T13:41:00.001+05:00

Saturday night, she lies asleep beside me. I kiss her on the forehead, lightly so as not to wake her hoping that she would anyway; she doesn't.

I look at her in the dark. Its peaceful and quite. I stay awake for a long time before cuddling at her side and closing my eyes. She moves slightly and I look up but she doesn't wake.

I go to sleep.

At Javahirs

2007-07-16T10:52:00.000+05:00

Had a very pleasant surprise on Saturday at Javahirs in Forum Mall. They sell jewellery and contrary to expectations (mine atleast), the finish was good. There were no ugly smudges anywhere, the joints were barely visible; in short: beautiful jewellery.

The sales fellow's name is Amir Ladak. Nice man, just old enough to add the right amount of respectabilty but very down to earth. We had a very good time talking to the fellow about diamonds for a long time. Bought diamond earrings in the end but I had my eye on a ring that looked fantabulous even to my inexperienced male eyes. Didn't have the cash for that one so we had to take the earrings but my wife is happy anyway!

She doesn't read this blog but I'll say it anyway: Happy Birthday Honey :)

Making a difference

2007-07-15T18:12:00.000+05:00

Was watching "Independence day" yesterday evening (it was on cable and I didn't gave anything better to do) when I had an epiphany: David's father looks at him and says, "I am proud of you", and I tell myself maybe my children can do what I couldn't, make a difference.

Suddenly I realize why people consider it important to have children, to leave a legacy! But I would rather have it be a girl than a boy!

So what do I want her to be like: Caring, forgiving, compassionate, and not lazy! I think she should be able to handle all of that but no pressure of course :)

Am I boring?

2007-07-14T10:01:00.001+05:00

I always knew but it is disheartening to have resounding independent confirmation :(

Will go and look at some jewellery for the wife today. The jewellers over here make such inferior quality junk that its never an enjoyable experience.

The finish is appalling. You can see ugly joints and faded spots on any gold item you might pick up! It depressing!!

Of course even if we manage to buy something we like there will very likely be someone who will look at the trinket and say something like, "Tsk tsk, you paid 50,000 for this. These jewellers are so dishonest!". Which roughly translates to, "Such idiots, wasting all that money when you could have had something better for half the price".

Now I don't mind but my wife takes such things to heart and then we have an argument at the end of which we are both sorry we ever bought anything; my wife makes a fresh resolve to do all her expensive shopping with her mother and I angrily resolve to stick to consumer electronics from now on.

So much for pessimistic forecasts, will report on how things actually go later on of course.

2007-06-26T10:29:00.001+05:00

I was luckily home by the time it hit but there were a lot of unlucky people; more than 200 of them! This was June 23 and the rains are continuing, not as destructive now but still causing power outages and traffic jams.

A lot of people died because of falling billboards and trees. Now the city government is saying they will register FIRs (police report) against the owners. Chance for the MQM to make some more money I guess!

I have a good view of the city from our house atop a small hill. By Sunday evening most of the city was lit again. We however spent the night on our roof because the power outage that started with the dust storm on Saturday afternoon continued till Sunday evening and even afterwards the voltage was too low for fans to work. Doesn't matter what everybody else says I think the KESC staff did a pretty decent job of patching up the rotting infrastructure of old power lines and antiquated grid stations. Of course the rioters think otherwise.

Attendance is thin today due to the tropical cyclone 03B YEMYIN in the Arabian Sea. Although the cyclone is probably not going to hit us, it is billed to cause some heavy downpour later in the evening.

Hopeless

2007-06-21T15:47:00.001+05:00

The headline in a local newspaper here: UK says "sorry" but defends Knighthood

I wish the West would stop bending over backwards.

The so called enlightened Muslims don't care about Rushdie and his book anyway and the ones who do care, the majority by the way, simply "can't" understand what the British are trying to say.

Why am I writing this? Somebody dropped by and read aloud this particular news item in the paper on my desk. This guy is an educated executive in my bank and not your typical mullah. His reaction? He thinks that Rushdie should have been killed long ago when the Fatwa was first declared. Why? So that the West takes the religious views of Muslims more seriously; apparently 9/11 wasn't enough. He has read the book, which not many protesting Muslims have by the way, and asks me would you be silent if someone called your father names. Well I probably won't but then I won't kill him either!

Hence the title of this entry: Hopeless!

2007-06-18T13:50:00.001+05:00

Iran slams British knighthood for Rushdie - AFP

I guess this one doesn't need a comment from another apostate!

Is it wrong to eat meat?

2007-06-18T13:37:00.001+05:00

Read a book recently which started me on this. The author was discussing how our moral values change over time.

Maybe future generations will feel genuinely shocked by their ancestors lack of respect for other species.

If we believe that an alien species taking over the planet and making us all slaves is morally wrong then so is our enslavement of the horse. Or isn't it? Seems so insignificant when compared to what happened on May 12, 2007 in Karachi. That is what the author meant I suppose, that morals depend on the times. When human beings are being murdered by the State, nobody really cares much about animals. Thats right. Lets try and think about saving our skins first. OK I am babbling now. Lets give it a rest.

2007-06-18T11:46:00.000+05:00

Monsoon season
Just why the forum and group? Because I feel lonely and need to imagine that there are others out there.

Have not been able to get an iota of work done since morning. Feeling very depressed. Could also be the weather. The humidity can be stifling in this city at times. I think the Monsoon will start sooner than usual this year. Would be interesting times again with submerged cars and the rest of the chaos that goes with it.

I changed the title for "My diary" to "Diary of an atheist". It could have something to do with suicidal tendencies or exhibitionism. Can't decide which.

2007-06-18T11:27:00.000+05:00

New forum and group
Have set up a forum for Pakistani Atheists at http://pakistaniatheists.freeforums.org/
Also a group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PakistaniAtheists

Of course I am the only member.

Got the idea when I visited http://pakistaniatheist.wordpress.com/ Looks like there are more like me out there. It would be nice to have a place to go to and feel free once in a while.

2006-03-30T08:38:00.000+05:00

What am I doing? Why? It is discomfiting to admit that I cannot find a purpose for my life. Not many people do i suppose.

Read a short sci-fi story a while back. Have forgotten the title but I think it was by Asimov about people whose life span was just a week (or less). Will try and dig up the title of the story and put it in here later. In the story, their children are born knowing their situation and the first question one of the newborn asks is, "Why? Of course it had more compelling reasons.

Religion doesn't work for me. It does for some people and I am happy for them (not really but let that ride anyway!). Don't get me wrong. I used to believe in a God. Still believe in (a different sort of) God sometimes even now. But most of the time I find the idea of a supreme being repugnant.

The God of my childhood was perfect. Incidentally he was the God of my parents. That is the advantage of growing up in a religious community, there are a lot of things you don't have to decide on your own. Well I grew to dislike this God when he wouldn't answer my prayers. Later on I made up better reasons for not believing in him of course but I think the main reason at the time was that he didn't listen. I just thought at the time that a supreme being who didn't listen to me wasn't worth worrying about anyway (yes I was rather full of myself at the time).

Later, religion urked me because of the rituals that I had to perform. Being a naturally lazy person, I hated the weekly trip to the mosque (weekly since that was the most i could stomach even then). Then there were the things that people take for granted that I didn't understand. Consider this: It is brave for a believer to die in the name of his religion (knowing that he is getting a palace in the hereafter) and not for an atheist dying for his convictions. I always thought that the atheist should get more points for bravery (or is it stupidity? i keep getting confused). "Ah, but the palace is a reward is for his faith", I am told. Well that wasn't my point now was it?

But that was then. What do I think now? Still don't like contemprary religions. What would I rather have? Everybody following their own code according to their own lights. Thats what most people do anyway. So what is my gripe? I don't like the guilt!

Anyway I started with pondering the purpose of my life. Gotten sidetracked! The reason this is disheartening is that I have made all the wrong choices so far. I am comfortably well off but as far as my contribution is concerned, I have done nothing. No I am not talking about philanthropy. If I have a religion, its knowledge. The best about it is that it is a continuously changing animal. You discover something new and you revise your views accordingly. This appeals to me immensely since the only thing I am ever (mostly) sure of is that I am unsure about everything. Is there a God? Maybe. Am i dreaming right now? Not likely but its possible. Am i right? Not usually but sometimes etc.

... to be continued.